The Letter
by Jordan Greyson
Summary: 3 months after Season 2- Jack tries to let go of Teri, and helps someone else let go too.


Standard disclaimers apply- I do not own 24 or its characters This story takes place 3 months after Season 2.  
  
Song lyrics at the beginning of each Chapter are from "I Can Let Go Now" by Alison Krauss  
  
The Letter  
  
Chapter One  
  
"The pain and ache a heart can take no one really knows"  
  
Jack Bauer sat across from Ryan Chappell in a familiar room at Division. He had not been here in two years, but nothing had changed, including the look on Chappell's face. Ryan's expression always hinted at annoyance and a sense of time flying by, as if he had already moved on to the next thing, no matter what the current thing happened to be. Jack was at Division to read and sign his final statements concerning his actions during the day of the nuclear bomb threat. He wanted to do it and get out before Ryan started working on him to commit to the exact date he would be coming back to CTU. The cardiologist had released him for all activities including work, but Jack wasn't ready yet. His literal heart was fine; the other one still needed work. He only had a few pages to read and a few signature lines to go and he could leave. Ryan seemed preoccupied anyway.  
  
Someone Jack did not recognize came in and handed Chappell a piece of paper.  
  
"Mr. Chappell, I need your signature here for the Simon file"  
  
As Chappell looked it over and signed Jack thought of Tyler Simon. A lifetime ago Tyler had been a friend, one of a few, someone he surfed with, someone who could make Jack open up and talk. Someone who Jack thought he would like to see.  
  
"So Ryan is Tyler in town or on assignment?"  
  
Ryan's head came up with a jerk.  
  
"He was killed over a year and a half ago Jack."  
  
Jack felt his gut tighten. A thousand questions came to mind. He could only get out one.  
  
"How?"  
  
"His cover was blown. He didn't get out. You know the rest Jack"  
  
"Why didn't anybody tell me?"  
  
He realized how stupid the question was as soon as it was out of his mouth.  
  
Chappell stared at him.  
  
"You wouldn't take any calls Jack, until Palmer. Nobody wanted to leave it on your machine, in light of your state of mind at the time."  
  
Jack thought back to the first few months after Teri died. He knew that both Tyler and his wife Rachel had called and he thought that Tyler had probably pounded on his door a couple of times. Oh God, now he remembered another message from Rachel months later, asking him to call. In a haze of guilt and self pity he had wondered then why Tyler hadn't tried harder to draw him out. He thought of Rachel and felt physically ill.  
  
"How is Rachel?" His voice was almost a whisper now.  
  
"I haven't spoken to her in months." Ryan seemed to choose his next words carefully which was a rarity for him. "Tony told me that it was horrible for her for a long time. He thinks she is a little better now, took a job in Maine. I don't know if she left yet."  
  
Unable to say anything else and not wanting to know any more, Jack finished signing and stood to leave.  
  
"Is that all of them Ryan?"  
  
Chappell nodded. "When are you coming back to work Jack?"  
  
"I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that"  
  
In his mind Jack was no longer with Chappell. He was in his car already away from this place, because if he did not focus on that he would scream, he would tear this room apart. He wanted to be alone. He would feel better if he could just be alone.  
  
He sat in his car, still too shaky to turn the key. He was by himself but he realized he didn't feel any better. He did not feel up to thinking about Tyler Simon right now. And Rachel. Most of all Rachel. Jack had been so destroyed and absorbed in his own hell that he had broken a promise he had made to one of the few men on earth he had considered a friend.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
"Somehow I just needed time for what was to be"  
  
Tyler Simon was a unique man. He was the best field agent Jack knew. Tyler was ice during missions and when he came back he reentered his life in LA with an ease and gracefulness that Jack always envied. There were other differences between the two men. Tyler was 6' 2", with dark hark hair and eyes and a tendency to talk with anybody about anything. Jack liked to think of himself as just being reserved when it came to casual social matters but Tyler once told him "You don't play well with others Bauer, Jesus Christ have a few beers and get over it." Jack started spending a little time with Tyler outside of work, at first because it was just too damned hard to say no to the guy, and then because Jack found he enjoyed Tyler immensely. Tyler was a no bullshit kind of man; he gave none and took none.  
  
Teri noticed that Jack was spending time with Tyler, found out that Tyler had a wife and bothered Jack until he invited them over for dinner. Rachel and Teri turned out to be very different as well. Rachel was about six years younger than Teri with long auburn hair and a quiet nature. That first night Rachel spent much of the time talking and playing with Kim, who had been 12 at the time and thrilled with the attention. Later, after Kim was talked into going to bed, Teri worked her magic and helped Rachel to open up about herself. She worked as a kindergarten teacher. She said the most challenging part of her job was not teaching reading and math. Her biggest responsibilities were getting squirmy bodies to sit still, raise their hands, stand in line, and generally go against their very natures in preparation for 1st grade. Teri asked her if that would cause her to transfer to a different grade in the future. She laughed and said that the very reason many people would run from her classroom screaming after a week was the very reason she stayed.  
  
Tyler had told Jack how wonderful his wife was and how much he loved her. Tyler often spoke of how Rachel was the stability that kept him from going over the edge. After meeting her Jack could see why Tyler's emotional well being was due in large part to his wife. True she was not outgoing, but she also gave off a quiet confidence that had a magnetic effect.  
  
Though they didn't get together as a group very often Teri told Jack that she talked to Rachel frequently, especially when both he and Tyler were gone. Jack and Tyler went surfing when they could and it was during one of those times that Jack had made the promise to Tyler.  
  
Tyler was quiet that day. He was leaving soon for a long undercover assignment, and his silence worried Jack. For once Jack had to prod him to talk.  
  
"Spill it Simon, now"  
  
"Ah shit man, I don't want to put this on you"  
  
Tyler watched the ocean and stretched his long legs out in front of him. Jack waited knowing he would continue.  
  
"You know Jack, sometimes when you're about to go under, you know that feeling you get? The bad one?"  
  
Jack nodded. He knew. Most times he felt wired and confident. But sometimes something dark slipped in and whispered "this is it Jack, the last one, say your goodbyes". He had learned to kill that voice as soon as it started to hiss.  
  
Tyler began again.  
  
"I'm not getting superstitious; I know it's not a freaking sign or anything"  
  
He drained his beer and crushed the can.  
  
"I am thinking too much about what it will do to my wife if I don't come back. And I can't afford to think about that right now, not just before. I told her too much Jack"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What I do, what happens when we're out, what could happen. I told her things thinking I was preparing her, you know, for the worst. But the sick thing about it Jack is that I really did it for myself. I thought if I told her, if she knew what she was getting into when she married me then I wouldn't have to carry that whole burden myself. As it turns out Jack, she has carried way more that her share." He kicked at the sand. "God I was so wrong and now I can't take it back."  
  
"How much did you tell her Tyler?" Jack thought about Teri and how much he had kept from her. The job was his, and the burden with it.  
  
"That I kill people Jack, and torture them and that they will try to kill and torture me. She knows that when I am out the mission is first and that I will do anything to complete it including not coming back to her. Let's just say I was really honest with her and I wish like hell I could go back to that day now. I would have lied my ass off."  
  
"Why the hell did she marry you?"  
  
"She was young Jack. Crazy about me. I knew she would marry me no matter what I told her. I am a real son of a bitch." Tyler got another beer. "I love her Jack. I didn't know how goddamned much I would love her."  
  
"Tyler you've got to get it together and sooner rather than later"  
  
"Jack promise me that if I don't come back this time or anytime, that you'll help Rachel. Make sure that she gets through it. Her parents are dead and she doesn't have anybody else, not really. Nobody that would understand like you and Teri. Will you be the one to tell her Jack? And then will you make sure she gets anything she needs?"  
  
"Whatever she needs, Tyler, I promise."  
  
Tyler nodded. "Thanks Jack that helps. I need to get myself in a better place before I leave. I just can't be distracted by that. I can't let Rachel know I'm distracted by that."  
  
But Tyler had gone and come back. And then Jack had left for Nightfall and returned withdrawn and cold. As Jack's and Teri's marriage began to unravel so did their social life as a couple. He saw Tyler and Rachel only a handful of times between Kosovo and the Tuesday that ended Jack's whole world.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"But when the memories cling and take you there until you no longer care"  
  
"Whatever she needs Tyler, I promise"  
  
Jack pressed his palms into his eyes and rubbed hard. He started his car and made his way to the exit. Right to home or left to find out if Rachel was still in town. God he wanted to go home and just add Tyler and Rachel to the long list of things he felt guilty about. What was two more? Jack closed his eyes for a minute and it occurred to him that Teri would have bitched him out up and down if he didn't go to see about her. He closed his eyes for a moment and then turned left.  
  
As he pulled up to the house he saw the "Sold" sign in the yard but the house still showed signs of life. There were two full recycle bins on the curb. Jack got out and walked up to the door, not knowing what he was going to say to her and not sure he could hold himself together long enough to get it out. He rang the bell. The door opened. Rachel looked shocked for a second but then recovered. She smiled, but her eyes were sad.  
  
"Jack"  
  
"Rachel I just found out" He couldn't say anything else. He tightened his face in an effort to stop the flood that was coming and succeeded for the moment.  
  
He went to her and hugged her. For a second she stiffened, and then allowed it and returned it for awhile. She pulled away and led him inside.  
  
The front room was full of boxes. There was also the sofa Jack remembered with a small table in front of it holding a radio and a box of tissues. Across the room, propped on a shelf that once held dozens of pictures of Tyler and Rachel, was a large white envelope.  
  
"I heard you are going to Maine"  
  
"The movers come tomorrow. I am flying out tomorrow night. A lot of my things are there already."  
  
"Will you teach?"  
  
She nodded. "I have a job lined up for the fall. Thought I'd get there early and assimilate."  
  
Jack winced inside. Assimilate. An agent's word, not a teacher's.  
  
"Have a seat Jack. I'm sorry I have only the one seat to offer you."  
  
There was silence for too long until Rachel cracked another smile.  
  
She took at seat on the opposite end of the couch and faced him. "I get the feeling that you and I are not going to be able to make much small talk, so we might as well get this over with."  
  
Jack thought that it was strange talking to each other without Tyler and Teri, who had always shouldered so much of the conversation.  
  
Rachel turned away, but spoke. "Jack I am so sorry about Teri. When we heard we were shocked. We called and Tyler came over a few times. He contemplated breaking the door down, but he decided to respect what you felt you had to do. He left a month later. He decided that if you hadn't been in touch by the time he got back that he would, let's see how did he put it 'drag his stubborn ass back into the land of the living and if he doesn't want to come then I'll beat the shit out of him' ".  
  
Jack could imagine Tyler's animated face as he said it. "I wish like hell he would have gotten that chance."  
  
She nodded. She was crying now.  
  
"Who told you about Tyler Rachel?" Jack was scared it had been Chappell.  
  
"Tony and Michelle. When they told me I just went crazy. They found a friend of mine from work to stay with me for awhile. I sent her home after the memorial service. I needed to be alone so I could scream and throw things without someone trying to medicate me."  
  
"I know that you called me Rachel"  
  
"Don't go there, not now. I shouldn't have called you. I just... I didn't even know if you knew. You had your own grief to deal with and ..."  
  
"No, you did exactly what Tyler told you to do, Rachel look at me"  
  
She looked, crying openly.  
  
"I know he told you Rachel, about what I promised. He was so worried about what this would do to you. He said he had told you too much. God, I am so sorry that I wasn't here for you."  
  
"Please Jack, don't be. You couldn't have done anything."  
  
"If I had known I would have tried." He could not stop his own tears from coming now.  
  
"Don't you dare feel guilty about this. What could you have done, really? I mean you had just lost Teri."  
  
"I don't know, maybe we could have done some things together that I was doing alone. Broken things, gotten drunk."  
  
Rachel stood up, and got a tissue and wiped her face and eyes. Her voice was still shaky. "Speaking of getting drunk... I have some wine. I know you like the harder stuff, but wine is all I have, and paper cups."  
  
They drank and talked around Tyler and Teri for awhile. Rachel wanted to hear all about Kim and they talked a little about the bomb and people they knew at CTU.  
  
Things got quiet again and Rachel noticed Jack looking at the envelope on the shelf. She got up to get it and brought it back to the couch. She held it up so that he could see what was written on the front. There was one word "Rachel" written in Tyler's neat block writing. Jack knew exactly what it was. He had written one for Teri, and his safe deposit box now contained one for Kim along with a copy of his will. He remembered when he had removed the letter to Teri, taking home and burning it in a white rage that left him with several holes in his wall and a wicked hangover.  
  
"I can't read it Jack. I've tried so many times to open it and I can't make myself do it. I know that whatever is in there all I have left of him."  
  
She finished what was in her cup and poured them more wine. It was getting dark out and the room was lit by a soft glow from the kitchen lights. She made no move to turn on any more. She put the letter back in its place on the shelf.  
  
He stayed silent, sensing she had more to say. It was strange to hear her talk so much, initiate so much. He was glad. Listening to her now was a poor excuse for keeping his promise to Tyler but it was better than if he had gone home today.  
  
"Do you think he took the pill Jack? They wouldn't tell me"  
  
The question startled Jack and he was unable to cover it up. Yes, Tyler you were a son of a bitch he thought. He scrambled to think which answer would make her feel better and decided that he had to go with the truth.  
  
"No, Tyler wouldn't have taken it. He would have held out until the end. Tyler and I always agreed on the fact that if you were alive, the mission still had a chance to succeed." God that sounded clinical. "He loved you so much Rachel I know he would have tried everything he could have to get back to you."  
  
She nodded and then changed the subject again. "I'm really glad you have Kim."  
  
"God yes, me too, If it weren't for her I would have... (Put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger long ago?)...I don't know what I would have done.  
  
"Tyler wanted to wait until he was done with field work to have kids. I really wanted kids. A whole houseful of them.  
  
She was sitting with her knees up, pulled into her with her arms wrapped around her legs. She looked like a child herself at that moment. For the first time since Teri died Jack was able to put himself in someone else's shoes and step back out of them preferring his own.  
  
"Rachel I know you probably don't want to hear this but you can still have all of that."  
  
She put her head down on her knees. Jack knew she was crying again.  
  
"I know sweetheart, I know you wanted it to be with Tyler. You're young Rachel. I'm going to tell you what Tyler would say, what he probably did say in that letter you won't read. You're beautiful and smart. I know you are strong too. Find someone who will love you and give you those kids you want. Find a way to move on. "  
  
Jack wanted to go to her and hold her, let her cry into him but her body language told him to stay away. She was trying to get herself together again and he gave her time.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"It was so right, It was so wrong Almost at the same time"  
  
She wiped her face again. "God, I am just so tired of crying. Well if there ever is someone else, he won't have a job like Tyler's. I could never go through this again. Not ever.  
  
She turned to him and sat cross legged her hands propping up her face.  
  
"Find a way to move on. What about you Jack, have you moved on?"  
  
"Touché. Okay, I know, how can I tell you to move on when I haven't"  
  
"Come on Jack it's been almost two years. You can't tell me you haven't considered being with a woman, at least physically."  
  
Jack laughed. She was trying to lighten up the conversation and hearing her talk so frankly while still trying to be modest was funny.  
  
"Okay Jack so I've had a little too much wine and wanted to put you in the hot seat. I'm tired of being there so it's your turn."  
  
"Well I've had too much wine too so maybe I'll stay in the hot seat and talk to you about it. At first the thought of being with someone "physically" as you so nicely put it made me ill. But I guess at some point nature took over and reminded me of what I was missing. I think about going to a bar and just picking someone up. I have even gone out with the intention to do it but I can't. I just think doing it that way would leave me ultimately unsatisfied and feeling guiltier that I already do. And relationships..." He paused, thinking of Kate. "There is someone that I met that I think about. I sometimes pick up the phone to call her. I don't know, I just freeze at the thought of being in a relationship again. Loving somebody else just seems so remote."  
  
"The thought of that absolutely petrifies me because..." She stopped and looked down.  
  
"Why Rachel?" He reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear so he could see her face. Her hair was heavy in his hand. "Come on, tell me."  
  
"The only man I have ever been with is Tyler."  
  
"You mean..."  
  
"Yes in all the ways you are thinking, I mean it."  
  
Jack thought about what that might mean to a woman. Jack didn't consider himself overly experienced with women but there had been others besides his wife, even a few he had sort of loved.  
  
"Sometimes I have thoughts like you Jack that I should just go out, find someone and just... I hate to put it this way but just get that first time with someone else over with."  
  
"Rachel no don't think of it that way"  
  
"I can't help it Jack. I mean, forget love, forget dating. I feel like if a guy held my hand I would pass out. Isn't that stupid?"  
  
Jack moved closer to her and took one of her small hands in both of his. It was smooth and warm. He was close enough to her now that each time he breathed he took in the soft smell of her shampoo. He had almost forgotten about his part of being with a woman; the sweet smells and the soft skin. For a second he let him self forget everything else, and let himself be a man holding the hand of a beautiful woman.  
  
"You're still conscious."  
  
She laughed. "I guess I am."  
  
She didn't pull away. She put her other hand on top of his and he held that one too.  
  
"What are we going to do Jack?"  
  
Jack knew what she meant. What would they do without Tyler and Teri? But what Jack wanted to know was what they were going to do right now. He was starting to have thoughts he had no business thinking. It was natural that he would be attracted to her. She was so beautiful and sweet and it had been so long. But this was Tyler's wife. When Tyler had extracted a promise from Jack to take care of her he was sure sleeping with her was not what Tyler had in mind.  
  
Jack began to pull away from her moving towards the edge of the couch. "Rachel I better go. I know with you moving and everything you probably have a lot to do so..."  
  
"No Jack, please. I don't want to be alone my last night in this house."  
  
She gripped his hands. In her face Jack could see himself- Grief that changed but didn't end and the terror of having to think about a future that had only one absolute; the absence of someone who had once made you a whole person. He stopped caring about what might happen if he stayed.  
  
He sat back and gently released her hands as he moved his arms around her. She let herself be held now and put her arms around his neck. Jack stroked her hair and let her cry. He was dry eyed now. He realized that for the first time in since that Tuesday that Teri was not in the room with him. Maybe waiting back at his apartment, but not here now. He was alone with Rachel and it was a relief to admit to himself that he wanted her and that it felt good to want her. He didn't know if he would have any reason to feel guilty tomorrow, but he would deal with it then if it came.  
  
He loosened her hold on him enough do that he could see her face. He wiped her tears away with his hands and tilted her head up so she was looking at him.  
  
"Enough." His voice was soft. "No more crying for either of us tonight."  
  
She nodded and let go of his neck. He took her hands again, not wanting her to move too far, not wanting to loose his courage for what he was going to say next. How could he be so goddamned brave while he was being electrocuted to death and still have this feeling in his stomach now? He wanted to just kiss her, but that would be wrong. He let go of one of her hands to pour them both more wine.  
  
"Here, I think you're gonna need this"  
  
She smiled. "Why?" She drank some.  
  
"Well, I am going to say something and you're going to either need to drink it or throw it in my face right before you kick me out."  
  
"Okay. You say it and I'll be ready either way"  
  
Jack let out a long breath. "I want to make love to you."  
  
She looked at him for a few seconds, an unreadable look on her face, and then drained the wine.  
  
He smiled at her. "That's a good sign I guess"  
  
She didn't say anything or move. She just sat there holding her empty cup.  
  
"Your first time with someone else shouldn't be with a stranger. It should be with someone who cares about you. And despite my absence until tonight, I do care."  
  
"We would probably feel really guilty Jack."  
  
"Maybe. I don't care. I feel good, being with you now. I don't want to think about anything else. He touched her face. "You are so beautiful Rachel." He started to say something else when she put her fingers on his lips and put down her cup.  
  
"Don't say anything else Jack or I might loose my nerve."  
  
He took her fingers and kissed them, not taking his eyes off of hers.  
  
"Does that mean yes?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Jack hesitated not sure how to begin. Rachel was not some one he might pick up from a bar; she was a woman whose only lover had been her husband.  
  
"Its okay Jack" She moved closer and put her hands lightly on his thighs. He could feel her shaking. "You can kiss me". As he moved to take her face in his hands he was shaking too.  
  
He kissed her softly on the lips, then close to her ears and on her throat. He felt her arms go around his neck. He moved her so that they were lying face to face on the couch. At first Jack touched her like a teenage boy unsure of how far his date would allow him to go. He was even hesitant in his kisses until he realized that Rachel had stopped shaking and was reaching under his shirt. Her touch on his stomach was like fire. He pulled her tight against him and kissed her, really kissed her for the first time. And when he touched her again she made it clear that nothing was off limits. He got up in a few minutes and let her lead him to the bedroom.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
"I was tossed high by love, almost never came down, only to land where no love was found, I'm no longer bound, I can let go now."  
  
Jack woke up a few hours later and managed to find the bathroom without waking Rachel. He watched her for a moment when he came back into the room. The sheet was low on her back. He sat on the edge of the bed and thought that what he was seeing was, until tonight, a private picture reserved only for Tyler. He thought about how wonderful it had felt to make love to her and how sweet she had been after. She didn't talk much, but what she did do had Jack fighting the tears he had told her there would be no more of. She had found and kissed each scar on his chest and stomach. Then she had asked him if he would stay until the morning. He had nodded, not trusting himself to talk. He had held her until she fell asleep. Then guilt had started nagging at the edges of him. Part of him felt like he had betrayed his best friend and cheated on his wife. He had finally fallen asleep.  
  
Looking at her now he traced the beautiful curve of her spine with his eyes. He decided that the guilt would have to wait. He went over to her and ran his fingers down her back. Rachel woke up and started to turn to him, but he held her shoulders. He lifted her hair and kissed down the line his hand had followed. Then he turned her around.  
  
The next time Jack woke up it was getting light outside. He debated whether to go or to stay and in the end decided to leave before she woke up. He wanted to spare her, spare both of them the awkwardness of the saying goodbye. He found his clothes, dressed and went out to the living room. He wanted to leave her a note. God what would he say? He didn't want to just leave without doing anything. He thought of the letter from Tyler and he knew what he should do. He went to the kitchen and managed to find a pen and an envelope to write on. He wrote a few lines and took the note and Tyler's letter into the bedroom and put them on the pillow he had used. Rachel was turned to the wall and didn't wake up. He watched her for a minute and then left.  
  
As soon as she heard the front door close Rachel opened her eyes. She had been awake since he got up to dress but had pretended to be asleep. There was just too much left to say and at the same time nothing left to talk about at all. She knew just like he did that last night was all that would ever happen between them. She didn't know if she would ever be in love or get married again but she did know it would not be with a man like Jack Bauer. Jack was a good man, it wasn't that. He was attractive and perceptive and in most ways everything a woman could want. But Jack was a man who walked around with death following in every footstep, waiting to take him where Tyler had already gone. And the hands that had been so gentle with her had killed more people than she cared to think about now. But she smiled thinking of how wonderful he had been to her last night and how for the first time since Tyler died she had been able to be in the company of another person without wishing she was alone. She had thought that her first experience with another man was going to be horrible. Jack had made it beautiful.  
  
She rolled over and saw the note and Tyler's letter on the pillow. She sat up and picked up the note.  
  
Dear Rachel,  
  
Please open Tyler's letter and try to move on. You are so special and deserve a good life. Last night was wonderful and I will never regret it. I'll always be happy that it was with you.  
  
Jack  
  
She picked up Tyler's letter and opened it before she could change her mind ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
Jack walked back into his apartment, threw his keys on the counter and saw that his machine was indicating a message. He figured it was Kim and pushed the button. It was Kate Warner, leaving her numbers and asking him to call, saying she hoped he was doing well. He had avoided calling her, not because he wasn't interested, but because he was too interested and that thought had terrified him. After last night with Rachel, the thought of calling Kate didn't seem so scary anymore. He hit the button again and wrote down the numbers she gave. He told himself that maybe tomorrow or maybe the next day, he would call her.  
  
The End 


End file.
